Spent the week in a course last week and it started with a profound exercise — writing my life story up until I was 20 — and focusing on all the memories and emotions I could recall. Spent the 3 odd hours and pulled together around 15 handwritten pages — and between it all — couldn’t recall more than 1 or 2 moments that I was genuinely proud of; that I was excited about and had strong positive resonance with. In truth I had a very secure and happy childhood — but my interpretations and the behaviours I’d set up through that period (and since) meant that everything I viewed and felt — came with a tinge of sadness, the burden of frustration, the pain of disappointment or the lack of fulfilment.
Later on, when time presented — I asked myself a different question — what were the moments that I was truly proud of — where I had showed up — and with some effort only got to 3! Whilst not reflective of the truth — it was reflective of ‘my truth’; the emotional wash that I painted as the background to my life’s canvas — the feeling of being not good enough — and the feeling of always needing to be or do more in order to feel content in self.
This realisation stirred emotions deep — was it the life that I wanted to live — I’ve such ambition, such drive, such passion to share with others — and to live my life by….. Was this story going to be the backdrop by which I wanted to live and experience every day?
Like being struck with lightning another truth struck me — I’ve recorded daily statistics on my life for most of the last 5 years as a means of understanding my own performance — and one of the 34 different criteria I tracked was an ‘evidence book’ of successes — the idea of journaling daily the evidence of my successes. Things that I could be proud of — recognition of my own success. The stark truth was that in those 5 years — I’d dismissed it — unable to give myself permission to give myself a ‘tick’ of approval. Not for anything. Ever.
It was very easy for me list my failures but so impossibly hard to recognise myself positively for anything.
So with some great relief — with great freedom — I thought — what if I could give myself permission to record anything that I thought was successful. Give myself a ‘tick’ every day — or many times a day. The shift that would provide to my emotional filter that I looked through at my life — what if I could make every single day a win? Would that be possible?
So, today; I’ve decided I’m going to set myself the task of recording a 1000 moments of joy; a 1000 moments I can be proud of — look back on fondly — with no negative context. Imagine the freedom that would provide my soul. Imagine the permission I could give myself; to give more, to share more; step out into the river of uncertainty and experience life more fully. So I’m off on my adventure, my adventure for one with the most rewarding of destinations….
Simon Kalinowski 